Q&A: Condoms - Dating & Relationships

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CONDOMS

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTION:

This is a question we see many variations of - rather than post them all, please read this answer:

FAQ: Condom is stuck inside me

I was having sex with my boyfriend last Saturday and the condom came off inside of me. This has happened before and normally I can just reach in and pull it out. It is Monday now and I haven't been able to find it. I can still go to the bathroom normally, but it seems like I got tighter down there. I know I did. It's hard for me just to put 1 finger in there to try to look for it. What should I do? I'm worried. Can that condom affect my health?

DO NOT HAVE SEX IF YOU THINK THERE IS A CONDOM STUCK INSIDE YOU. You must remove it or have it removed.

First, try squatting (this will make your vagina more accessible) and gently insert your index and middle fingers in your vagina feel as high inside you as you can around your cervix area. (Do not insert ANYTHING else.) If you still can't reach it, then you absolutely MUST go to your health care provider or family planning clinic IMMEDIATELY and have it removed. If you get your period before then, do not use a tampon, use napkins. Do not have sex.

Do not hesitate - call your provider or local family planning office now and explain the problem. Family planning is confidential, if that is a concern. This can and will affect your health and will cause an infection. Please take care of this as soon as possible!

After sex with a condom, be sure your partner pulls out immediately, before he loses his erection. This will help prevent the condom from coming off. If it still comes off, perhaps try another brand.

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QUESTIONS

Breaking condoms

Is it possible for a condom to break without knowing? It didn't appear broken, but this is the first time, and I'm not real familiar with exactly how strong they are. Could a small hole have been popped without being noticeable? I have no pregnancy symptoms as of yet (this was a week ago) and I should start my period later this week... I'm just paranoid, and curious for future reference.

Condoms rarely break and it would be very unusual to have a small hole that you couldn't see in the condom unless it was defective to begin with (this is unusual, too!). If the condom breaks during intercourse you or your partner would notice.

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Pregnant from condom coming off inside?

I had no idea that a condom was stuck inside of me and I had sex. When I went to the bathroom afterward it came out. I am now pregnant. I just wanted to know if there is any way I could have gotten pregnant when having sex while the condom was already stuck inside of me.

The answer is absolutely YES. A bunched-up condom would not provide a barrier between sperm and your cervix (the opening to your uterus). Sperm could easily slip over or around or in front of the condom and up into your cervix. Of course, you might have become pregnant the time the condom slipped off inside of you: it would be very easy for sperm to spill out of the condom left behind in your vagina and make their way up through your cervix and on through your uterus and tubes to meet up with your egg and fertilize it. The best way to estimate when you became pregnant is by talking with your provider. S/he will collect information on the date of your last normal period, the size of your uterus, and look at lab data to come up with a good estimate of just when you became pregnant.

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Condom slipped off

Ok, me and my boyfriend just recently (this morning) had sex. It was the first time for both of us. About 5 min. after we were done we couldn't find the condom, it had slipped off of him and was still inside me, the ring was still outside but we are still worried that there is a chance i could be pregnant. I will only be 16 in a month, and I don't think you can get the morning after pills unless you are already 16, my boyfriend however is 18. Will they allow him to get the pills? Also, what are the chances of me being pregnant if the ring was still outside of me?

If you are in the state of Maine, you can certainly get the morning- after pill (also known as Plan B or emergency contraception). Teens in Maine can get any form of contraception without having to have the permission of an adult. The morning-after pill is available at any Family Planning or Planned Parenthood office, or you can use the ECP Hotline (1-888-NOT-2-LATE).

As for the condom slip, it is a good sign that the end of the condom was outside your vagina, not rolled up inside. On the other hand, there is a small chance that when your boyfriend pulled out, some semen from the end of his penis might have rubbed off on your vaginal opening--not a huge pregnancy risk--nowhere near the risk of no condom at all--but not absolutely zero chance of pregnancy. Therefore, we'd recommend that you get the morning-after pill right away to reduce your already low risk of pregnancy.

A few tips on using condoms correctly:

• ALWAYS put them on before the penis goes in the vagina.
• PUT the condom on when the penis is hard.
• LEAVE a bit of room at the tip of the condom while rolling it on.
• USE a new condom for every sex act.
• PULL out as soon as you come, and be sure to hold the base of the condom firmly on the penis as you withdraw to keep it from slipping off.
• CHECK the expiration date on condoms. Latex is strong, but becomes weaker with age and if it's exposed to lots of heat or extreme cold.
• Don't store your condoms in very hot or very cold places--again, this increases the risk of a condom break.

For extra peace of mind, we recommend using two methods. Pills and condoms are an excellent combination. Condoms and spermicide (foam, cream, suppository, or film) are also more effective than either method alone. And it's not a bad idea to keep

Plan B (also known as emergency contraception or the morning after pill) for extra insurance in case of condom breaks or slips.

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Used condom correctly

Me and my boyfriend had sex last night (my first time), and I had just gotten my period for the VERY FIRST TIME Friday, so we had sex 3 days after... he wore the condom and stuff and put it on correctly and made sure it wasn't expired or any of that. It also did not break, and he said he checked after to see if it did and filled water in it and didn't leak. Do you think I should be worried? I don't know why I am.

Okay, to alleviate your fears, it is very, very unlikely that you would get pregnant in that situation, so you can stop worrying about that.

However, perhaps you should examine your reasons for having sex - are you doing this because YOU want to and because you enjoy it? Do you feel ready to continue with this sexual relationship? Adding sex to a relationship takes it to a completely different level and adds a lot of responsibility.

For example, if you do decide to continue having sex, then you need to visit your local family planning center or make an appointment with a provider as soon as possible. (At family planning, you pay what you can afford and sometimes, depending on your situation, it's even free.)

With sex comes responsibility. Now that you are sexually active, you and your boyfriend both have to begin having regular examinations and put yourselves on a reliable form of birth control. Please take care of yourself and think hard about why you have decided to begin having sex and if you should continue.

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Condom while on period?

Can you use a condom while you're on your period? Or, what kind of contraception can you use while you're on your period?

Sure, you can use a condom while you're on your period. Condoms are great because they are reliable and they also prevent sexually transmitted diseases. To be safe, I would avoid sex during really heavy flow and it is a good idea avoid using the diaphragm during your period. However, a condom would be the best method at this time (unless you are on the pill, or another hormonal form, or have an IUD, in which case a condom would only serve to protect you from sexually transmitted diseases).

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Sick after using condoms

After using a condom during sex, I always get sick to my stomach, and throw up. Could I be allergic to the smell of them, because this never happens after sex without a condom.

In general an allergy is expressed through itching and irritation. However, you should try different condom brands and mention this to your doctor - perhaps you have a latex allergy. To test this, try using a non-latex condom. You may also wish to see family planning about a different form of birth control.

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Selling condoms

I do not think that it is fair for some stores to only sell condoms to kids who are 18 and older with an ID. I don't think that's right, and if they don't sell them to us, more kids will have unprotected sex.

There is no specific law in Maine prohibiting condoms sales to anyone. However, the best place to get condoms is your local family planning center-not only will they provide you with some, they are much less expensive.

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Condoms and semen

The other day I had sex. During sex my partner's condom somehow got stuck inside of my vagina. He told me that he has come inside of the condom. The only way to get the condom out of me was to go to the bathroom. The condom came out, but then I started to wonder if I was pregnant. Last night I took a bath and some more white stuff came out of my vagina. Am I pregnant?

Without examining you, there is no way I can answer that question. Did the condom break? Was it intact when you removed it? Was the entire condom inside you, or did the end stay out? If sperm did end up getting released and leaked from the condom into your vagina, then pregnancy is possible. Please see your health provider - in cases like this, emergency contraception (E.C.) is often prescribed. Your local family planning center can tell you what E.C. is and how to obtain it. In the meantime, you should purchase a home pregnancy test or get tested at your provider or family planning center.

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Two similar questions about condom use:

(1) I am just wondering if i had used a condom properly and everything..but he came inside of me..but the condom was still on could i get pregnant really easily from that?

(2) I just had sex for the first time the other day. And it was going good, and we used a condom. But at the end he had ejaculated inside me, and when he pulled out the condom slipped off a little and I was sure it didn't break or anything. But I was just wondering if I could be pregnant. I'm really worried about this situation! Help!

As long as no semen came in contact with your vagina, you should be fine. It is okay for the man to ejaculate inside the condom while he is inside you - as long as he keeps the condom all the way on and it doesn't break, you're protected. Make sure he withdraws right after ejaculating as the likelihood of the condom slipping off a still-erect penis is much less than if you wait for the penis to become flaccid inside the condom in which case there is a chance that some of the ejaculate could spill onto your genitals.

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Age limit?

Are there age limits for buying condoms?

There are not laws that prohibit selling condoms to anyone of any age. We are aware of stores that have policies that they will not sell to young people below a certain age. Our advice is to go to your local family planning office for condoms or call the store you wish to buy from to ask about their policy.

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My boyfriend and I are using condoms. Who puts it on? When is the best time?

Let's talk about the best time first: Let me emphasize that a couple MUST use a new condom EVERY time they have sex (this ISN'T the time to "recycle and reuse"). The best time is when the penis is erect, but before there has been ANY contact between the genital areas.

Don't begin to have intercourse, then decide to put the condom on -- the pre-ejaculate (men usually have a little bit of sperm on their penis before ejaculating) does contain sperm and can cause pregnancy. Plus, neither one of you will be protected from sexually transmitted infections. So put it on ASAP! Your FP clinic or condom supplier often has some pretty funky condoms -- colors, flavors, even glow in the dark to make it interesting!

Some men prefer to put the condom on themselves; some like having their partner do it. It really is personal preference. This is a good time to work on communicating with your partner during sex to learn each others likes and dislikes. Make sure you apply it properly, always leaving room in the tip for the ejaculate (read the directions with the condom -- they DO help)!

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DATING & RELATIONSHIPS

I was raped and it's affecting my relationship

A year ago I was brutally raped by this guy I was dating and I have been avoiding it. Recently I've been dating this guy who I am totally in love with and every time we become close like in sex or oral sex, I freak out, my whole body shuts down, I start to panic and shake. I don't see my boyfriend I see the guy who raped me and I feel like shit. I start to cry. I want to get over this. I need help. I feel like I'm not worth it, I hate the way I feel so it would be incredible if I hear from you.

You ARE worth getting help on this issue. I'm so sorry to hear about this rape. Sexuality can be such a positive experience, but if you have been sexually assaulted or abused, it's important to talk to a trained counselor.

Family planning centers do have counselors, but for an issue such as rape they will refer you to the nearest Sexual Assault services - please don't delay; do this for you and your future.

A trained Sexual Assault counselor will help you process that experience in a way that you can still be intimate with someone who is special to you. I would strongly suggest you contact your local "Sexual Assault and Support Services" program as a starting point. They are trained to help people through the exact issues you have told us about. It WILL help. You ARE worth it. Call them soon. Good luck and take care of yourself.

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Depressed about BF leaving

Help I've messed up and I might be pregnant. I've been going out with my bf for over 3 years...I cheated on him about 6 months ago, when we were on a break. But we promised each other not to do anything. This guy was kinda manipulating and was very forceful...I said no a bunch of times but it didn't seem to matter. Anyways I finally confronted my bf about it and obviously he's freaked out. We live together and he just left.

The past 6 months have been great and we've both made lots of improvements. I don't know if it's over for good, but I cant stand it if its going to be over, I need him, and I want to marry him. I found out that he was going to propose to me on New Year's eve.

I also may be pregnant, and I'm scared that because of all the stress I might loose the baby. I haven't slept at all and I've been non-stop crying. I've begged him to stay, but I don't know if he will. He says he needs time to think about things.

Do you think he can ever get over this and forgive me? I don't know if I can survive without him, I love him to death and I'm afraid I could do something stupid if it's over. I also suffer from depression and anxiety and this isn't helping, and I'm worried if I'm pregnant.

There are two big issues here. One—are you pregnant? You don’t say why you think you might be, but we’re guessing that you may have missed a period or two. You should take a pregnancy test as soon as possible—knowing whether or not you’re pregnant will help remove one BIG uncertainty from your life. An at-home pregnancy test is fine, but we’d recommend that you get in to see a provider at your local Family Planning or Planned Parenthood clinic for the test, because you sound as if you REALLY need some advice and support right now.

The other big issue is your mental health. You sound terrified, sad, and overwhelmed. You note that you are troubled by anxiety and depression. The feelings you report and the non-stop crying and sleeplessness are all signs of depression—if you have been seeing a therapist, we recommend that you make an appointment RIGHT AWAY to get together and talk over your feelings. If, when you say you feel you might do something stupid, you mean that you’re thinking about suicide,we consider that an EMERGENCY, and you should contact a care provider immediately for help. You can call 1-888-568-1112 from anywhere in Maine and they will connect you to the crisis center closest to you.

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Boyfriend doesn't want me to take the Pill

My boyfriend and I both agreed that we want to be sexually active, but we're not going to take any chances. He agrees to wear a condom when the time comes, although I need to have another form of protection for myself to have us feel more comfortable together.

I'm not sure if he's been misinformed or if it's because of his religious beliefs, but he has firmly discouraged me from going on birth control pills because he is convinced of some "side effects" later on in life. If it is my body and will make things safer as well, then why does he feel like it's such a bad idea?

If your boyfriend REALLY doesn’t want to take any chances, two methods of contraception is the best idea. Two methods of contraception ARE better than one, and the combination you’ve picked is a great one. Condoms are the only birth control method that can help prevent sexually transmitted infections and the Pill is a highly recommended safe AND effective method of birth control for most young women.

As for safety, you’ve made a good point. There’s a LOT of misinformation out there about contraceptives. While there are some women for whom birth control pills aren’t a safe choice—women with very high blood pressure or with inherited clotting problems, for example—for MOST women, they’re a great, safe choice.

If your boyfriend has some specific questions about birth control methods, here are two links with lots of useful, accurate information:

PBS.org American Experience article on The Pill-Q&As

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Dating older man

Is it wrong for me to be dating a 33 year old man as I'm 17 years old. Can he get in trouble?

Dating and relationships sometimes have gray area.

When you ask if this 33-year old man can get into trouble for dating someone who is 17, the Maine State Law says no, unless he is in a position of authority of the 17 year old (like a teacher, coach, counselor, etc.). If you are not in Maine, check your state's laws on this.

When you ask if it's "wrong," I'm not sure if you're asking in terms of ethics. If you are wondering for your own sake if it's HEALTHY to be dating someone who's 33 when you're 17, I would suggest that you give that some more thought. How would you advise a friend if he or she asked you this question?

Some issues that can come up more often in relationships where there is a big age difference, especially if the younger person is still a teenager, are issues of equality, power and control. It's important for you to feel like you have an equal amount to give to the relationship, and not feel like you are less than your partner because he may have more experience, possessions, money, etc.

Pay attention to your gut feelings on this. If you're having reservations or doubts, there may be reasons for that. Talk with a parent, trusted adult or friend some more if that would help.

Good luck.

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Meeting internet guy

I'm a 22 year old female and have never had sex. I met my boyfriend on the internet and I really love him. I'm going to meet him for the first time next Thursday and am scared of having sex with him. If my family finds out I'm going to meet someone from the internet they will stop me from going to see him. Please can you tell me what to do?

Given your concerns, you need to establish some ground rules for how you want this relationship to progress. Tell your boyfriend that until you are ready (and have adequate protection against pregnancy and STDs), there will be no sexual intercourse and you will meet in public places, such as restaurants, until you feel you can disclose where you live and become intimate with him. If you are doing these things, and being very careful, it will go a long way toward comforting your family. Your family loves you and wants you to be safe. So, be safe and careful. Good luck.

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On pill, worrying

I am 14, and I am worried of catching an STI. I know that you cannot be infected unless the sperm actually enters the vagina, but he insists that we have sex without a condom.

I have taken the morning after pill 3 times and I am on the regular pill as well. I am really worried because when I first started having sex with him it was fine, but now he is rougher and it starts to bleed everytime. I told him I didn't want to anymore but he told me I wasn't thinking straight... how am I supposed to say no without being forced into anything?

First of all, good thinking on your part to be taking the birth control pill and to think of using a condom to decrease your risk of pregnancy and infection. It's also important to know that there are still some STIs like herpes and genital warts that you can get through skin-to-skin contact, that may affect skin outside of where at condom would cover. Still, condoms will greatly cut down on your risk in general.

Secondly, I strongly urge you to think about how you feel when he tells you "you're not thinking straight." You deserve to be respected. Just because you've had sex with him already, doesn't mean you can't take a temporary or permanent break from sex in this relationship. Healthy sex shouldn't hurt or bleed every time. It's something that two people should have equal pleasure in and feel safe saying what they do or don't feel comfortable with.

You've already had the courage to tell him that you don't want to have sex anymore. And if HE'S thinking straight, he'll listen to and honor your wishes! And if he forces you to have sex when you've said you don't want to, that's rape and you should talk to someone like a guidance counselor, parent, or other trusted adult.

It might be helpful to think about your problem by asking yourself: If you had a friend in your situation, what would you advise her to do?

I wish you the best, and remember: you deserve respect!

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My husband and I don't approve...

I have a 15 year old daughter that behind her father and my back has been seeing a boy that we do not approve of. Right before Christmas we find out from her that she is pregnant. She has been seeing this boy for about a year without our approval. She has had a miscarriage. We have forbidden her to see this boy again. The boy by the way is 18. We have discussed pressing charges, but our daughter gets very upset. She still sees him at school and they want to continue seeing each other. She has lied to us about where she was going to see this boy. I am afraid that when we let her off her grounding she will continue to try to see him. The boy would like to talk to me about what they have done and ask to see our daughter because he tells her that he really cares for her. She really cares for him. I would like to try to control them by letting them see each other in the presence of my husband and I. Hopefully to stop another pregnancy. She is taking birth control now. My husband is very upset and all he wants to do is prosecute the boy. My husband is also totally against them having any contact. I am worried what this will do to my daughter. Please give us some advice on how to handle this situation.

I understand that it is often difficult to decide the best way to build and/or maintain a healthy relationship with your children. I would first ask, what is most important to you in your relationship with your daughter? Once you decide the answer, you may know where to begin in helping her with her decision making. You are within your right and it is understandable that you want to limit contact with the young man she is seeing. After an unplanned pregnancy, it may be a good time for them to re-evaluate their relationship.

I appreciate your husband being upset. At the same time, it is encouraging that the young man wants to talk with your family together so everyone can voice their concerns and apprehensions and perhaps set some ground rules. That may be the best thing for your family at this time. Understand that soon your daughter will be able to legally make her own decisions regarding a sexual partner. As a parent, you want to protect your children and support them at the same time and that isn't always possible. What is possible is being available to communicate and help them make the right decisions.

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Dating Emotions - Two Questions

My boyfriend and I haven't had sex yet but we both want to when the time is right. I was wondering why do I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about making love to him?

I love my boyfriend so much. Why do I feel jealous of his past relationships and why do I feel I need to be with him all the time?

Your feelings for your boyfriend are very normal, especially if you are young. Most couples often feel this way in the early part of their relationship, especially having butterflies with the anticipation of having sex for the first time.

As you are with your boyfriend longer, you will learn to trust him more and accept his past as he accepts yours. Jealousy is an irrational emotion and will only cause your problems - keep it at bay and learn how to talk to your boyfriend and others - such as your mother or another trusted adult - to help you sort out these issues.

An important part of growing up is learning to trust, accept, and be your own person - you don't need to spend every minute with him, nor does he with you, and as your relationship matures, you will understand this.

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Boyfriend pressuring me

Me and my boyfriend are getting really into it. We've made out and everything, but now he wants to go further. I've told him I don't want to, but he brings it up all the time when I'm with him alone or something. What do I do?

Good for you for sticking to your decision so far to not go further than you're comfortable with! It can be difficult when one person feels they aren't ready for the same amount of physical intimacy as their partner is.

You'll probably have the best luck making it clear with him if you talk to him BEFORE you "get into it". Trying to draw the line in the middle of making out is harder to do than during a time when your hormones AREN'T racing. The next time you talk with him, or even on the phone or in an e-mail if it's easier, tell him EXACTLY what you're comfortable doing and what you're not. That way there's no confusion.

And if he can't respect that, you may need to consider whether or not you want to be in a relationship with him!

Good luck.

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Teen sex cause problems?

I had heard that having sex while a teenager is not good because it can cause problems and teens are not developed yet on the insides for sex, and I had heard that teens having babies is not good either because the insides are not developed yet like an adult in their 20s. I was wondering if this is true?

Young women (teens) who begin vaginal intercourse early are at risk for increased exposure to sexually transmitted infections. These infections--chlamydia, HIV, and the HPV wart virus can have long term effects on your health. Pregnancy for teens is often high risk because of the increase risk of premature births, and teens have a higher risk of having small babies. Please contact your health care provider or local family planning clinic for more information.

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Found girl's phone number in bf's room

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 8 months and he is the most wonderful person I've ever met. I am 18 and he just turned 20. The other day I found a piece of paper with a girl's phone number on it in his room. I didn't ask about it, but his mother asked me who she was because she called. She threatened him and said she would call me and tell me that this girl called. When she did, he didn't care and said that he hadn't seen this girl in 2 years and he didn't do anything wrong because SHE called him. I got so mad that I ripped up the paper and threw it away.

This situation has been worrying me so much I've made myself sick. I don't want to confront him because he might get mad and I don't want to lose him. He works at nights so it makes it hard for me to see him a lot now, plus I'm usually the one that calls him if I want to talk. Sometimes I feel so lonely and it makes me scared that he won't want to be with me anymore .I love him so much, I don't know what I'd do if we did split up. Am I being over emotional or should I be worried about our relationship.Help, I don't know what to do!!!

It sounds like this situation is causing you a lot of stress indeed.

While the thought of talking directly to your boyfriend about it sounds like it will cause even more problems, the situation won't fix itself if you keep your worries to yourself. You said your boyfriend is the most wonderful person you've ever met. If that is the case, he should understand if you tell him about your concerns.

And, keep in mind: you're worth getting as much as you're giving in a relationship!

Good luck!

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Internet relationship

I have an internet boyfriend and we love each other and talk every night. We both have cams. Is this good or bad?

While the internet can be a great way to meet people, you have to use common sense. Don't agree to meet privately; only meet in a public place when you meet for the first time. Don't make any life-altering decisions until you meet the person, and have had a chance to spend time together. As for each having cameras on your computers, you can see each other, but it's no substitute for meeting in person. There is a connection that happens - or doesn't happen - when people meet face to face that isn't going to be felt through a computer's keyboard.

In short, you can't trust that you have true love if your only contact has been over the internet.

Also, consider the time involved with this relationship versus the rest of your life... family, school, work, hobbies, etc. and make sure it's not distracting you from these other areas of your life. Online chatting can be fun, but it can also be addicting. Make sure you aren't neglecting your family and friends just to go online. Look at the reality of the situation: Is this person too far away to ever really have a person-to-person relationship with? If so, maybe you should consider toning it down to more of a friendship and just chatting once in a while.

So, based on these considerations, you need to decide whether it's good or bad for you. Look at how it is affecting other areas of your life. Are your parents concerned? Are your friends concerned? Take the time to share this experience with your parents and see how they feel about it. They may be able to give you some valuable insight.

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Parents say that 14 is too young to have a girlfriend

I'm 14 and my parents think that I'm too young to have a girlfriend, they say that there is no reason to, and I'll get emotionally scarred if I break up with a girl, what is your opinion and reasons?

Each family has their own values and rules about dating and serious relationships. Often parents are worried that their teens will be hurt when a relationship ends, or that a relationship will outweigh their time and energy compared to school, sports, family time, etc. They want you to be balanced and well-rounded. Each 14 year old is different, as is their ability to handle a relationship in a mature way. You and your parents probably know you the best.

If you feel like you could handle the heavy emotions that often accompany a serious relationship, tell them so, and why. It also might help you all to clarify: what does it mean to have a "girlfriend"? How much time would you spend together? What kind of things would you do together? How would this affect your other friendships, school, family time, and other interests and responsibilities? They might be thinking that a relationship would consume all of your time and energy, while you are picturing something more balanced.

It's good to hear that you're having these open conversations with your parents about having a girlfriend. While you're living with your parents, it's important to follow their rules. You can do this while continuing to talk to them about the issue, so you all know how each other feels, and maybe you can find a compromise.

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Embarrassed to say I like you!!!

Well.... I like this boy but I really don't want to tell him that I like him. I want him to figure it out. Sooo what can I do to make him realize that I like him and how do I know if he does or he doesn't?

I know it might not be what you want to hear, but the only way you'll be sure to let him know how you feel, and to find out how he feels, is to talk to him directly. Men (and women) are not mind-readers (well, most of us anyway!), and if you wait for him to "figure it out" you may never find out. Be bold and daring: Take the initiative and talk to him - perhaps invite him to go to a sporting event with you or to another school event that might be coming up. Even if he says no, which really is the worst thing that can happen, at least you'll KNOW and you can move on.

If he is in any kind of activity at the school that also interests you, such as drama club, maybe join for a while and see what develops. You may even find you like the activity and decide to stick with it, despite what happens with him.

As a last resort, if it's hard to do face-to-face, you may want to write to him by e-mail or a written letter simply stating that you like him and wonder if he'd like to do something with you sometime, and be honest and tell him you're too shy to ask him outright. You never know, he may feel something for you, too, but is also too shy! Smile, be yourself!

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Seeing older guy - do I have to listen to my mom?

I am seeing this guy who is 21 and I am only 16 and a 1/2 -- in three months I will be 17 years old. My mother told me I can't see him anymore, but she hasn't even met him yet. I love this guy and I don't want to lose him to my mother. Do I have to listen to her? Am I old enough to make my own decision on who I want to date? Four years apart isn't that bad ...I could understand if there was like six years apart or 10 years apart...but four years? Come on ...I don't want to stop seeing him ...I don't plan on it. I just want to know what's gonna happen if I don't...is she allowed to say no to me?

You are old enough, but you are still living with your mother, so should be allowed to have some input. Now that you have reached the point in life where you are beginning to make adult decisions, such as who to date, then it really helps to use some "adult methods" of communication, such as talking and compromise. Please try to seek a compromise with your mother. Talk with her, in an adult manner - calmly, without accusations, and trying to see her point of view - and ask her why she doesn't want you seeing this young man. Maybe once you understand more about her concerns you can come to some agreement about dating. Perhaps offer to make dinner and invite him over, so she can meet him. (Offer to do all the cleanup, too!)

Four years is more significant at your age then when you are older. For example, at 21 your boyfriend could already be out of college, when, at your age, you would be just beginning. College is a very complicated and defining stage of life - four years can be a very significant age difference in this case. Also, in some states, if you are sexually active with this man, he could be convicted of statutory rape because he is an adult and you are a minor. These are just a couple of the concerns about age difference at your stage in life that may or may not be the basis for your mother's concern.

If you find you can't talk to your mother (please try), is there another adult you can talk with who might be able to help you sort out the situation? An aunt or guidance counselor or favorite teacher? Also, many towns have community counseling centers that charge based on your income for their services - many excellent counselors work at these places. If you find you cannot talk with your mother about this, and do not know any other adults to confide in, please look into this option.

Regarding whether you "have to" listen to her, legally you are still a minor, so your parents are still responsible for your behavior.

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